FORGIVENESS - Sorting it all out

FORGIVING OR NOT FORGIVING ?

Forgiveness is an ancient tenet in world religions. Over the last decades, Forgiveness has become a buzzword in mainstream and therapeutic work models. Self-help authors and experts in the field have developed various systems and processes.

Forgiveness is associated with improved psychological and physical health. Unforgiveness is linked to negative and sometimes even chronic stressful states, similar to the long-term fight-or-flight mode.  

The forgiver benefits from experiencing release, freedom, and a feeling of being unburdened, which can result in a burst of motivation to move in life or to manage a relationship better.

Forgiveness is one of the most extraordinary healing agents available to us and one of the basic premises within the spiritual psychology model. I am more than a great fan, as I have witnessed profound shifts in clients and in myself.

However, at times, caution and discernment need to be applied, as there is also a version that I would call 'pseudo-forgiveness': a well-meaning but unhealthy imitation or attempted quick fix. Relief might be felt initially, yet the process might not produce a long-term restorative outcome. One might have felt rushed or pressured. While reflecting an act of willingness and one step in the right direction, the attempt might eventually backfire as it is not quite the real thing.

Consider some of these scenarios that could lead to false Forgiveness:

Well-meaning helpers might have suggested that this is the time to forgive, that it will make you feel better, and that you are ready - when you are not. You might not feel you have come far enough in your processing. You might require more time to reflect on the context. You feel nudged or even pressured. Your advisor is a professional, an elder, an authority, or even family, and you get persuaded. Something within you is still hesitant, not quite there yet. You hand your trust to the respective 'experts' and finally decide to overrule a gut feeling that has not been given a voice yet.

You try to deal with a situation where a perpetrator or abuser is still actively threatening or harming you. Powerlessness, erosion of confidence, and minimized self-worth might invite you to arrange for a short-lived resting refuge of a 'truce' via Forgiveness while leaving a toxic situation in place to continue on. In such a case, you condone proactive harm infliction. You do not come from strength or generosity. Your act of Forgiveness presents a further step into surrendering out of choicelessness based on a dire need for respite. 

You are partnered up with a 'gaslighter' who maintains a 'power-over' dynamic between you by warping your perception of reality. You have grown unsure of yourself, second-guessing your words, actions, opinions, sanity... etc. Everything is your fault. Whatever you do or not do, whatever you rebel against, requires 'correction', through a quarrelsome blameful reprimand. To reinstate harmony, you apologize and forgive them for yet another irate blow-up over your repeated faulty behavior.

You are reeling from the shock and pain of loss through personal betrayal. An incredulous and unexpected act of disappointment by someone you trusted has dislodged you. Your world, as you saw it, has collapsed. A vial emotional cocktail of confusion and disorientation to your previously held worldview has you craving relief. Forgiving the backstabber or traitor might hold the promise of a new mental beginning, a chance to bring order back to current chaos and solace from nights of posttraumatic rumination.

You might feel compelled to practice altruism. You have had a religious upbringing that has taught you that forgiving is, under all circumstances, the right thing and the only way to deal with someone who has done you wrong. You strive to take the higher road. You want to be a good person, so you are pushing emotions and thoughts deep down out of fear that you would stray from God's law if you cared for yourself. You follow a moral dictate that requires an act of Forgiveness from you to stay safe from "bad karma."

You might be mourning and not even aware of it: not necessarily a death, but maybe a separation, a transition, an estrangement... etc. A powerful storm of emotions is likely to arise. Anger is often involved, even at the person who has departed, which might feel like an unfitting, even shameful, emotional upset to the mourner. Grief is a process that has its very unique situation and person-specific flow and trajectory. A mourner's journey can be supported but not rushed. Premature suggestions to practice Forgiveness related to loss can stall and complicate this highly individual process of adaptation and healing.

You were raised by a caregiver or had a long-term partner who is not well, mentally or emotionally, moody, reactive, self-centered, or unpredictable. Long-term exposure to a narcissistic parental or partner environment and subtle or overt cruelty has stunted the growth of proper boundaries and/or the development of self-worth. Over time, you have been conditioned to view yourself as always at fault. Such programming can invite Forgiveness for your caretaker's trespassing as a go-to coping mechanism to help you bear with it all. You are broken, and it is a way to reduce your distress, to avert abandonment, and to stay 'safely attached' and toxically 'loved.'  

We commonly go ahead with "decisional forgiveness," which arises from rational thinking, from doing what is practical, rather than more impactful emotional Forgiveness. That partial Forgiveness, at best, is an act of courtesy. You say, "Ok, let's forget you broke my heirloom vase," and you feel: "I am still annoyed at you, and I do not like you as I did before. I do not think you cared enough". You continue a relationship on diminished relational premises. A grutch remains. A vigilance remains. Your feelings are bound to express themselves to the person seemingly unrelatedly, most likely at an unexpected moment.

Pseudo-forgiveness, a quick-fix approach, is likely to mute or anesthetize the voice of our natural upset, at least for some time. It can be harmful because it operates on a level too shallow to show quality results. Believing we have forgiven when we have not can create a backlog. The matter is filed away and stamped as 'done' as if wholly dealt with. The remnants of unresolved material keep fermenting in the background, just to rise to the surface again later. Think of medical metaphors: fixing just the enamel of the tooth when a root canal is required or think of a course of antibiotics that are not taken in their entirety. For-giveness strives to 'give' 'for' the purpose of thorough wound healing.