Beginning at the other End - Forgiving Self First

It might sound counterintuitive at first to suggest asking what one has to forgive Self when one feels victimized (*sidenote: grave cases of violence and abuse are inflictions that deserve more intricate consideration and belong into a category that deserves an appendix in an extra chapter). A process of Self-forgiveness means asking yourself if you have placed blame, guilt, or judgment not only on the other party but also on yourself. Consider that you are the closest one to work within the matter and will always be.

You might be upset with yourself for: ......not being able to let go. ........for having allowed an incident to change you...for having ill or vindictive feelings towards the individual involved ... for being angry or dysfunctional at this time or since then...... for giving an event or an individual power over your life.... for having had the blinders on ? Has this event, in some form, reaffirmed some of your prejudicial beliefs? Are you critiquing yourself for holding those beliefs? Is the issue one that you tend to get into often? Are you wondering if you are defective in some way because you are dealing with similar problems repeatedly? 

All or any of these silent self-accusations can render us stuck unless we confront ourselves in kindness. We are, after all, the one side of the party that will not go away.  Inquire along those lines, and you will grow most likely aware of the places within where you are going against yourself, but you did not even notice it. We are often too disturbed, too upset, and too busy staring at another's faultiness. Looking at the trespassings of the other is what we see as a problem - the conundrum being that that lies beyond our control. However, our ability to do some of our own house cleaning is within our control. That, by releasing the hidden muck and grime of self-blame that had gone unnoticed - some of which does not make any sense. Hidden self-depreciation remains invisible to us, buried under acquired positionality until we visit and sit compassionately with our broken hearts. Detection and subsequent awareness, followed by intentional release, constitutes a deep cleanup's first steps. What is the benefit? Deeply felt acceptance - as we are, how we are, and where we reside inwardly right at this very moment - will be more likely to follow. A sense of calm might reduce the temperature of a charged stance of anguish and revolt.

Forgiveness as an exercise has to do with 'Response - Ability.'

Each person experiences a situation uniquely. We are always responsible for what happens internally. The degree to which we have good "response-ability" depends mainly on our autobiographical woundedness story. How well we have healed from past adversity will inform our perception, interpretation, defensiveness, and the degree to which we personalize another person's actions.

The Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius said: "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." ― Marcus Aurelius.

Taking a stance of compassion helps—compassion towards Self and your hurt, compassion for the human struggle, for the struggle of others, and for the unpredictability of a person's inner turmoil that might cause them to take actions that stem from not knowing how to cope better, from an internal struggle to deal with inner and outer relational challenges. 

Considering it a privilege to have the option of letting the past be the past helps. Allowing for the dissolution of that which can ink-stain an otherwise peaceful existence, dedicating all those painful happenings—like life lessons—to a metaphorical learning log of earlier school days.

Taking the time to counsel Self, in that regard, paves the way for Forgiveness'' marvelous healing effect, which requires more than pointing only to outward blame. After all, as we notice ourselves affected by an interaction, we are dynamically entrenched and involved with someone or with the event. Staying focused on the perpetrating party and their actions entices us to hamster proof of righteousness. By accruing mounting evidence of another's guilt, perspectives of right and wrong become frozen into the immovable. Then, as we ruminate, we generate emotion—'energy in motion' within our physiology—the resulting neurotransmitter composition of stress hormones will further direct and cement our mental viewpoint and our state of discomfort.